That was ... strange

The strangest thing happened the other day. I was looking for some dates for my job, we had to specify prior professional experience. 

Once, a long time ago, I had decided to mend my ways (from the hopeless klutz and romantic that I am) and really *do* something socially acceptable. 

So I enrolled in the Estonian School of Diplomacy and managed to get a paper to show for my efforts (which were not many). I never had anything to do with anything remotely diplomatic after that, after a very enlightening trip to Finland with an ex-KGB officer (but that's another story).

But back to the other day. I needed the year I graduated from the said establishment. Logical way to go about it: google it! 

That brings us to the point of this outpouring. 

Found the page. Found the group I was in. Found the group picture. 

Didn't find myself. 

Looked again and again and no! 

Went through the picture person by person. It was only after considerable time that I realised that the pretty shining young woman in the front row must have been me! And the strangest thing: I can't remember ever having a skirt like that or the jacket. 

Thinking about it, I may remember the blouse ... but all in all, the person herself still seems a stranger to me!

I was thrown by this for the whole weekend. Here you go about life, thinking you look about the same (certainly feeling about the same) and you even didn't know that you were such a bright young thing once! 

Ehhhhhh .... 

My solace

Dear friends,

As some of you may know, I'll be moving to another country soon. Just 1.5 months and the days are flitting by at a speed you wouldn't believe. I have hardly opened my eyes when it's late at night already. I put off going to bed, sometimes dragging the night on until 3 o'clock in the morning. I just don't want the day to end and be another step closer to the inevitable: some day at the end of March, I'll take my suitcase and leave this place ... for how long, I daren't even think. 

Please don't get me wrong: I still think going is prefereble to staying. I prefer an adventure to stagnation, and I was pretty close to that at this point in my life. But nevertheless, I'm sad to go. All my friends, what little family I have left, will stay behind. My beautiful home ... 

But I have a comforting thought: wherever I go, wherever there's an internet connection and a computer ... my Multiply page will be there, and so will be the fine people, some of whom I dare to call friends, even sisters and brothers, will be there. 

That's my solace :)
Love,
Tiina

One-day trip to Luxembourg

So I'm back to my one-day trip to Luxembourg and what can I say, the thoughts and impressions are positive.

I landed in Lux. mid morning and took a bus to town. Bus no 16 to be exact. The bus stop is right in front of the airport, so that's very handy. As I was sitting in the bus, driving to town, I couldn't but notice how similar the landscape is to Estonia. The same trees, lots of pines, even the sky looked the same. I noticed some bright yellow advertisements attached to lamp-posts and to my great delight they read: Antiques fair! Yippeee!!! As Kristjan noted later, smirking: If they do antiques fairs there, the chances of you saving to buy a car are pretty slim :))) I think he knows me too well .....

My friend and colleague U met me at the bus stop near the office to give me the key, and you know, people, she looked really happy to see me. That further elevated my mood which wasn't too bad to begin with. 

It was raining, a soft drizzle, so I thought I'd go and take care of business first and then head to U's and chill out there. 

The bus took me to the railway station where all buses have their last stop. Right next to the railway station is the street with my apartment hotel. First of all, I didn't see the hotel at all because it didn't have a sign and the door was closed. After looking around and trying to figure out my next step, I saw a lady peeking out of the door and what do you know? It was the same lady, the owner of the hotel I had spoken to earlier on the phone. She let me in and we talked business. The hotel is really like an apartment building, it has no reception or anything of the sort, just a hall with post boxes, an elevator and stairs. People rent rooms there on a monthly basis but to all other intents and purposes, it's just a house of furnished studio flats. 

The feature that makes it so attractive - and popular! - is probably the low rent of the rooms. The location is good too, right smack in the middle of everything. And what's more, it's a new hotel, just 3 years. Meaning, it hasn't gone too shabby ... yet. The lady said that the people staying there mostly work for the EU institutions, and there's even one man from Estonia! 

I left the hotel happy, with a contract in my pocket and my heart light. It had been a real issue ... I mean, one needs a place where to stay! I just can't be expected to camp out under a tree (as we say here in Estonia). So that's settled now. No more looking at apartment ads until I'm there. Then I'll take it easy for some time, wait for the money to come in and then start looking for a real place of my own. 

Oh, and the best part is that I'll have internet immediately. I only have to plug my computer in and here I am ... connected to all my near and dear ones, not excluding my virtual family here at Multiply. 

Later when U and A (she's a trainee at the translation centre who stays with U) came from work it turned out that they had a little party planned. Agnes, who's a culinary genius, whipped up a dinner of oven potatoes, pork chops and salad. They had invited another colleague, K, whom I also know for 10 years from my last workplace. 

Actually, it's rather remarkable. Let me tell you how they all happened to be there, in Luxembourg. In 1997 I took a job at a new office called the Estonian Legal Translation Center. My father had just died and I realised that I would need something more substantial for a job than just translating freelance. Incidentally, the center was in the same building as my father's institute had been. And just a street away from the school where I had studied as a child. And my next workplace, the Ministry of Justice, is in the same street. Almost a half of the people working at the translation center were former schoolmates ... I mean, it's almost obvious we are looking at a soul group here.

So when Estonia joined the EU, the translation center was closed as its task - to prepare the EU legislation - was completed. The majority of the translators (with the exception of U, P, S and myself) immediately moved to either Brussels or Luxembourg. S and I went on to work for the Ministry of Justice. U soon came to second thoughts and also moved to Luxembourg. So did P. This summer, S - who had always scoffed at the very idea of moving out of the country - suddenly announced that she was going after all. What a surprise that was! 

And now, yours truly, the last of the Mohawks, is joining them as well. Karma, that's all I can say. I have tried to evade it long enough but now ... I have decided to embrace it. Be it karma, but I'll make dharma out of it. Get it? Lemons - lemonade! 

But seems it's not a matter of lemons, or if they are lemons, then they are sweet lemons. The people working there have, time and again, written me to tell that I should really lug my arse over there as they are having so much fun. The last time when I was there and we met with 2 other former colleagues and schoolmates for dinner, I again got the impression that they are deeply contented with their lives there. M and E are down-to-earth women, maybe not exactly the same type as myself, so there may have been some doubt left whether I would share their experience. 

But the woman who came to dinner at U's, K ... she's such a complete sweetheart, a bit melancholy, poetic, vulnerable and if she's loving the life there, then I guess it must be to my taste as well. We had a good talk and I had such a positive impression from what I heard and how I perceived her to be that now I can say that I'm convinced that it'll be all right. And, I hope, even more than all right. 

We talked and laughed late into the night ... and consumed considerable amounts of alcohol. But it was great. It was a very mellow, relaxed night. Perfect for easing all my doubts and fears!

So I'm back and the jitters are gone. I'm now looking forward to my adventure.

Oh! And I forgot: we are going to Scotland in autumn, U, K and I. We were there twice during the time we worked for the translation center and it stayed in our heart. And we never got to go to the islands ... so now we plan to do that. As well as take lessons of the Letzeburgisch (that's the language of Luxembourg) in town. A good plan of action, don't you think?

Any last words?

*one two three testing testing*

My last transmission from Estonia!

Any last words? 

YES!

BEAUTY WILL SAVE THE WORLD :))))

I happened to visit a nice young lady's page today, and saw the picture of Yunus Emre there. As some of you may know,Yunus Emre is a poet, a great mystic. 

Just seeing his face, my heart leapt with joy, and expanded, and I floated off my chair and bang into the Universe. You may search me there ...

It's beauty, beauty and beauty that saves the world!

My soul,
the way of the masters
is thinner than the thinnest.
What blocked Solomon's way was an ant.

Night and day the lover's
tears never end,
tears of blood,
remembering the Beloved.

"The lover is outcast and idle,"
they used to tell me.
It's true.
It happened to me.

I tried to make sense of the Four Books,
until love arrived,
and it all became a single syllable.

You who claim to be dervishes
and to never do what God forbids --
the only time you're free of sin
is when you're in His hands.

Two people wer talking.
One said, "I wish I could see this Yunus."
"I've seen him," the other says,
"He's just another old lover."

- Yunus Emre

*meerkat signing off*

I think I'm packed

So, all my earthly belongings have been stuffed in a huuuuuuge suitcase that sits on my table, looking like a black 'ole. And I think it may be a black 'ole ... it gulps everything down and keeps asking for more. It's mouth, dark as the Universe, keeps grinning in my direction! The last thing that went in was a steam iron. And I'm still within the permitted limit! Isn't it strange though? Maybe I don't have so much stuff after all? 

All my friends have been said goodbye to, properly. Small mementoes have changed hands, kisses and promises exchanged. Yesterday I cleaned my home a bit and defroze the fridge. Took all the cash out of the bank and changed it into euros. A very slim envelope ... 

Washed the car today and had coffee and cakes with my darling auntie at our regular haunt at the shopping center. I'll yet have to put the car away in a garage that my friend Vladimir kindly provided. That'll be the day after tomorrow, when I'll take the *black 'ole* to the airport to check it in before the flight on Thursday. Did you know that you can do that the day before? It's very handy if you have a large bag ... I've used it frequently!

And that's basically it! Now I have until Thursday early morning. I thought it would be more emotional ... the leaving. But my emotions seem to have departed before me. I feel that everything that I need I will take with me, in my heart. All my friends and loved ones will still be here, and with me. As will be the sweet memories.

So there's really no need to do any ceremonies or to say grand words. I go in gratitude.
I'm really packed.

Just landed

Greetings from Letzeburg, aka Luxembourg!

Landed yesterday. The flight went fine, including the little matter of 11 kilos of excess baggage! Had to pay though, but it wasn't as much as I feared. It was fun, carting the "black 'ole" after me, tottering and careening, out of the airport towards a taxi. The poor bloke who drove the cab must've given himself a hernia, hauling it into the trunk. But he was brave ... never emitted a sound, except for a little groan.

The studio hotel, the "meerkat 'ole" for the nearest future, is situated near the raiway station, in local parlance - Gare. Hence the presence of a slightgly shadowy and seedy element in the streets surrounding it. My hotel is right next to an "awful low boozer" (quoting "our Rose" from Keeping up Appearances} and a couple of times I've had to navigate through a swarm of happy drunks, just entering or exiting the said boozer. But not to worry: as one of my pals said - even the bums here are extremely well behaved!

The first impressions of my room weren't shining.  Again, seedy was the word that came to mind. But after establishing that the internet connection is working and having a proper look around, it started to look promising. In fact, I feel it growing on me. It has a little entrance hall, with a place to hang the overcoats (very important feature! as we are talking of just one room, cupboard space is essential). A few steps lead to the shower-room cum loo. This is a room I'm particularly fond of. It has a French window which I can open and then it doubles as a smoking-room. Perfect! Although I smoke, I don't like doing it in a living space.

The room itself has a large cupboard (massive, of dark wood planks, in a French country style). A little desk, if the same material. A leather easy chair and a leather chair. I'm partial to leather! There's a single bed and a TV! What else does a body need? A bit monkish (or in my case nunnish, hehe) but it'll do for the time being. Meerkat 'ole seems an appropriate name!

Yesterday, as soon as I had unpacked, I had a serious mission to take care of. As I am in Central Europe now, the local customs in re working hours are a bit different (or, oh heck! who am I kidding? cardinally different!). Meaning: yes, there are shops! of coursed there are shops, and plenty! But they close exactly the same time as everyone else stops work - about 18.00. And on holidays ... forget it! Closed! Even the food stores!

So I made a mad dash to collect everything necessary to set up a household, things that I possibly couldn't have taken with me such as dishwashing liquid, a mop, soap, etc. You get the idea! As well as some stocks to tide me over ... peanut butter and jelly, a bottle of wine and another of Jagermeister, a German herb liquor that is purely medicinal. I felt entitled!

In the evening my colleague K called and invited me to dinner. I navigated through the empty and darks streets of Luxembourg and got properly lost! Not even a drunk to ask the way from! Only myself and my trusted map. I don't know how, but exactly at the moment when I was thinking that now I'm really lost, I looked up and what do I see on the other side of the street than the restaurant that I was looking for! Now that's remarkable!

Another colleague had driven over for the May Day weekend with her hubby and 2 kiddies, and they were staying at K's place. We went there after dinner and I got a look at how the "other half" lives. And let me tell you ... that was no 'ole, meerkat or otherwise! More of a palace! A jacuzzi in the bathroom, for chrissakes! And hardwood floors, and the latest kitchen fixtures, etc. K got it after another colleague moved to a house. But it's a bit too pricey for my taste, and I can surely live without all those "extras" ... they charge extra for the extras!  I'd rather have more left from my salary to go travelling or get myself a car or ... But the remarkable thing is that on a salary like ours, it's possible to have such a place to live!

Today I went on a short scouting trip to discover Old Luxembourg. I have to say, it's very very beautiful! Everything is of the right proportion to my eyes, not too big and not too little. The colours of the houses are pleasing to the eye. It's elegant, but not over the top. Cosy but not too petit bourgeoise. And the weather is perfect, about 20 degrees ... everything is bright green except for the part that is violet, white or yellow due to it being in bloom. And there are trees that I haven't seen before! They have huge pink blossoms! I have no idea what they are. Their branches are very knobbly ...

As I joined the hundreds of other revellers, slowly ambling through the streets of the old town, I suddenly found myself in the central square that had been turned into a May fair ... and what a fair it was! Dozens of booths, each selling another delicay! The aromas of grilled meat, freshly baked bread and coffee hung thick in the air, mixed with more outlandish smells of incence, masalas and curry.

I had just thought, as I was entering the square, slightly worried, that I had not taken enough of a wonderful medicine called Horse Liniment with me (it is actually a balm made for our four legged friends, but it works wonders on us humans as well ... back aches, torn ligaments, its priceless!) And I look up and what do I see? A man selling Pferdebalsam! I couldn't believe my eyes!

After procuring a pot of the said liniment, I moved along, and within a few steps, noticed a women's clothing store that I had heard so much about! Another miracle! The thing is that yours truly is a bit "wide around the verandah" which makes it hard for me to find fitting blouses and jackets, so I have to resort to the "big girls section" in this. That I should find this shop, simply like that! My band of angels and other well-meaning and hard-working spirits are clearly doing overtime! And, as if this was not enough, they let me find 2 immovable property agencies on my way that I will visit soon to find a more posh meerkat 'ole for myself. But not just yet. I'll wait until I get the first salary.

Tomorrow, I'll explore the oldest part of the town, called the Grund, or the ground. It's in a valley of the River Petrusse that looks quite like a moat around the  ole town. It's really very, very deep down, and looks rather romantic! But that will be tomorrow.

Today, I'll stay in for the night and experiment with the microwave oven! Another "first" experience :))))

Meerkat signing off from sunny Luxembourg!

Ze meerchat 'as a new 'ole!

Ze meerchat 'as a new 'ole!

'allo, 'allo, 'allo!
Ze meerchat zigning in!

Well, it has been one crazy week! I have experienced, walked my feet off, seen, felt more then in many many years. In the evenings I have been so bushed that I basically crashed in front of the TV!

First of all, the job. In the morning, I step in the shower, put on my office clothes and join the migrant workforce in transit to the hundreds of Euro establishments in a place called the Kirchberg plateau. I work in one of the high rise buildings called appropriately albeit a bit morbidly the Twin Towers. Thankfully, my office is on the first floor.

The work seems to be interesting and at least I don't feel entirely lost. It's in many ways very similar to what I was doing before. The colleagues, too, seem to be a nice bunch, not very emotional but not mean either. I have a nice room all to myself, a good computer and a window that's really more of a glass wall. I like that! There's one colleague who smokes and has a cat, so I have an instent friend in her. Other colleagues have been giving me information concerning the practicalities of everyday life. All very nice!

Last weekend was wonderful. My friend K called and we went to see a religious procession that was supposed to take place in the city. But we must've gotten something wrong because there was a service at the church but no procession! It was interesting to watch how much the Catholic church has adopted new elements in its service. They all were recited Our Father together with hand signs, that gave it an extra ooomph! And they were singing Kumbaya! Wowee! All in all, it doesn't matter what words or form people use, it's still all about the age old yearning for communion with the highest spiritual aspect, the quest for meaning, that keeps us going. And energy-wise, it works all the same! In addition, the number of people participating in a ceremony, the upward direction of the sacral building ... it all helps.  Ceremonial magic at its very best! I used the opportunity presented to me and hitched a free ride as well ;)

There's one more place I particularly like in Lux and that's the river valley surrounding the central cliff or rock (called the Bock). It's very deep and houses some of the oldest buildings in all Luxembourg. It is hyper romantic. A silent green river, trees that almost touch the surface of the water, the apple-pie like houses right on the river, places to have beer ... ohhhh that was heaven! 

 
We had a long and lazy afternoon with K, exploring the valley and consuming beverages. There's a little church hewn out of rock! And another one, the oldest in Lux. I saw 2 little lizards and a water bird, and ducks. Found a little antiques shop where I'll come back to buy things for the apartment once I'm settled in. There was coloured glass, and wedgewood-like china that I'm quite fond of!

That brings us on to the matter of apartments and the reason I've been running my feet off. First of all, despite of the fact that there are hundreds and hundreds of advertisements, the apartment market is pretty empty. And especially when it comes to one bedroom apartments that are furnished. I mean furnished with real stuff, not some unimaginable horror that the greedy immovable property people imagine that someone would take for furniture!

I saw two of such places and it was clear immediately that the answer would be: never! not in a million years! In one of the places, teh bedroom had no window! In the other, the shower was part of the bedroom. I mean, inside the bedroom! I dubbed the immovable property agency as The Agency of Creative Solutions! For people who look with something differfent! Ha bloody ha! And it could be so easily avoided ... just a few photos, pals! As if your hands would fall off for the extra effort! But no ... they prefer a wild goose chase. I really can't believe they have nothing better to do at 18.30 Friday afternoon than to show a client (me!) a place that nobody in their right mind would rent!

But, as they say in Finnish: the third time is the right one! And so it was in my case as well. After seeing the horrors before, I decided to have a look at one of the adverisements that actually had photos provided and the photos looked promising! And I immediately understood that I had struck gold.

The flat has everything I require. It has 2 rooms, a very large living room with two windows and an American kitchen. A small bedroom with built in closets with mirror doors. The bathroom has a bathtub and a washing machine. The house is recently built and has great isolation. Oh, and a terrace. There are 2 lovely modern leather couches in the living room and a glass topped coffee table. In the kitchen, there is a dishwasher which I don't suppose I'll use but it's good to have anyway, don't you think?

But what I absolutely love about the place is the apartment owner. It's not a local immovable  property shark but the sweetest young dad, a Yugoslavian, who works in one of the large banks here. He's recently married and they have a newborn baby, that's why they had to get a bigger place. So in the future, i'll be communicating with him. I'll be so easy, the man speaks English! And what a difference it makes that he's just a person, not a professional landlord!

I felt so blessed yesterday, so thankful to all my ancestors and protectors!  They  did an excellent job! I feel undeserving ... but so happy, so happy. I'll move in 1st of June. And that'll be so great, to buy bits and pieces for the new place and not having to spend fortunes on the really big pieces as beds and cupboards. I saw some Tiffant lamps, maybe I'll get one! It's been a dream of mine since I was a child ...

So, as you can see:
Ze meerchat 'as a new 'ole!
Bravo! Yippee! 'ooray, 'ooay, 'ooray!

Moved to another galaxy

Imagine someone, not unlike myself, who have been living, more or less happily in her home galaxy. Everything is known to her there. The routes and byways, the customs and costumes.

She dresses in a certain way: cord pants and parkas for comfort, sensible shoes to walk the dog. Her hair are grey and she's a bit run down, to tell you the truth. Both inside and outside. Stagnation has set in, even if she doesn't recognise it herself.

Nothing seems to be of interest any more. All the games she played, all the roles she took on: half seriously half in joke - have been played. No need for an encore.

So she carries on, knowing that there has to be something else. She knows that she has not yet reached the end of her road. And yet, she remains passive and waits ... and waits ... and waits.

Until one day she opens her eyes and everything is changed. The smells, the colours, the surroundings ... everything different. She finds herself changed too: her appearnce, even her thoughts are different.

She has been taken to live in another galaxy ... or, if you please, another level of existence, a parallel universe. Only very dimly, as if through a cloud or across a great distance, can she  see her former life. The streets, the people, the nooks and crannies she used to call home.

But home is not there. It is has come with her. Although: with whom? she has to ask.

Who is that person? Or more specifically: where is she?

If just by moving to another place, the person who she was before, has been left behind ... is there really a person at all?

She might as well have died and reincarnated, so cloudy and disconnected are her memories and character.

But a new "me" has not been born yet ... and the old one has gone.

Kuru's greetings

Kuru's greetings - 18 December 2008

My Aunt and I were walking yesterday in our neighbourhood.

On our walk, we happened to meet a dog called Doby who used to be a great friend of Kuru and myself. He's a medium sized dog, with the brightest white fur with some brownish spots, and he has the strangest eyes, very light and human-like because their whites are showing all the time.

Doby, I think, is an angel ... not even in disguise, because it's so clarly visible that even a blind man could see it. He's the kindest and most affectionate soul. *His* human is an elderly man, an ex-sailor whose whole family dotes on their dog, and are so proud of him ... you should hear them talk! How their eyes light up!

So yesterday Doby ran to greet me as usual, kissing and hugging as dogs do ... we had a nice huddle, dog and myself. Then he made my Aunt's acquaintance. And then, as usual, he ran back to *his* human, we said goodbye and walked away.

In a short while, we heard someone barking excitedly. We walked on but it was so strange that eventually we turned around and saw that it was Doby who was quite a long way away. We tried to see what he was barking at but could see nothing. Then we realised that he was barking in our direction: he was calling out to us.

*His* human waved at us and then let the dog free from his leash. Doby ran to me and jumped all over me, kissing and kissing me, and looking directly in my eyes. Such compassion and kindness, and joy in his eyes ... I'll never forget it. I held him and hugged him until it was time for him to go again. And that was it.

Afterwards I was just so blown away by his behaviour that I couldn't stop wondering. Doby's very affectionate but he has never, and I repeat, never! run after anyone in such manner before. *His* human always stressed how he always follows his master, no matter what.

As we walked back, I suddenly got it: it was Kuru, who had *caught* Doby and told him to pass on his greetings. That's when Doby began barking: *hey, hello you, wait, wait ... I've a message for you!*

There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is what happened!

I wish you could have seen it ... it was really magical!

And I wish I had a picture of Doby ... then you could see what a special soul he is.

Thank you Doby! And Kuru! You both made my day :)

Kuru: the most beautiful Dog in the world

It was Easter night and the year was 1994. I was sitting alone in my little one-room apartment and watching Easter mass from the Vatican. It was about 3 o'clock in the morning. The choir was blasting in jubilation: *Jesus has risen from the dead, indeed, he has risen!*

 .... when all of the sudden, there was a scraping and whining at my door. I rushed to the door and looked out of the peephole.
A dog!

*Oh shit! A dog!* I said, understanding that I'm in trouble. Being dog crazy, I knew that there was nothing else for me to do than to open the door and let him in. There would be no escape for me. So the door was opened in he ran, a very young dog, no more than 6 months old. He had long legs and he was very yellow. In fact, he looked like a kangaroo. He headed straight to the kitchen where he landed in an easy chair.

I hadn't wanted another dog. My first dog, Juki the fox terrier had spent 17 glorious years with us and his passing was such a shock to everybody that I couldn't even think about taking another dog. But I had told the Universe that if there would be a dog in trouble I would be available.

I watched him eat whatever I could find in the fridge, and wept tears of frustration as I understood that my easy life would be over. No more sleeping in! No more long trips abroad! But I kept telling him through the tears: *Don't you worry, I'll figure something out!* And I called him Kuru.

In the morning my mom called and I told her the news. She reacted, as I had suspected she would, very badly. She had a hundred of reasons why I shouldn't keep him but finally, when she ran out of those, she said: *All right but you've gotta call him Kuru!* Because she too, was dog-crazy!  *I already did*, said I.
We had always thought that Kuru would be the prettiest name for a dog :)

So that was the beginning of the Age of Kuru in our family. Kuru was treated like royalty. He immediately fell in love with my father, whom he considered to be his Teacher and Grand Master :))) I was sort of like his sister, only less hairy. And mom was just mom. She brought him all kinds of treats and tried to spoil him rotten, but with Kuru, it just was not possible. He was a  gentleman to the core.

When my father died unexpectedly a few years after Kuru's arrival, I was horrified. What would happen to Kuru? How would I be able to comfort him? My dad was the most important person for him. He waited for him diligently by the door every day until he came by my place. When my father was abroad, Kuru just couldn't settle down for the waiting. And when he came, Kuru would not leave his side. So I couldn't imagine what would happen now that my father would not come anymore.

But things played out in an unexpected manner. Kuru didn't wait for dad and he didn't look for him in my parents' apartment. Actually, he acted as if nothing was wrong. Only on occasion, when my mom or I couldn't hold it in any longer and started to cry, Kuru would come, put his paw in our lap and look at us as if he were saying:* What are you crying about? It's all right!* And wag his tail. 

He KNEW.

I could go on and on and on but there's no need really. But there is something I wanted to say about Kuru. He ... as well as every animal who the Universe sends us ... are really our guardians and our teachers, and not the other way round. They are our buffers against the hard things in life because no matter what, you have to compose yourself and be there for your animal. To say nothing about their unconditional love and utter beauty.

And now that Kuru is gone from the material world, I can feel him, in the form of a great Spirit that he always was, standing behind me, egging me on and arranging things for me.

But on occasion, when the bitterness of his loss overwhelms me and I start to cry,  I can hear him say: *What are you crying about? It's all right!*

He KNOWS.

Patchwork ... religious

Yesterday I went for a long stroll in the old town. There's something inexplicably calming and cheering about the old town of Luxembourg. And taking account of the fine weather and the green green trees ... I just blissed out, walking slowly those cobbled streets, drinking in the atmosphere and smelling the aromas of trees in blossom, freshly ground coffee and all kinds of meals cooking in one restaurant or another.

In one of the narrow winding streets, I suddenly noticed two doors. Very nondescript doors, except for the signs that hung above them. "Believers" said one and "Non-believers", the other. Intrigued, I ventured closer, and after a moment of doubt, opened the one under the sign "Believers".

I found myself in the town history museum and ... an exhibition called "Matters of faith". Well, that should be interesting, I thought. The guy who sold me the ticket hung a computer card around my neck, also called "believer" ... that made me feel a bit funny!

It was a good exhibition, you know. Interactive! That's what the card was for. You had to slip it into a computer workstation in every exhibition room and answer a few questions about how and what you think about spiritual matters. The questions were not unlike the test you can find on Beliefnet.

The exhibition itself used a lot of video installations. There was a room where people of different confessions spoke about their faith and prayer. That was so sweet in a way because, the impression I got was that no matter what anyone chooses to call himself or herself, we are all simply human, with similar thoughts and hopes, beliefs and fallacies. If we would only understand that ... this planet of ours would be a much nicer place.

I remember one of the people speaking, an older lady, a practicing Catholic. She said something like this: "When I was younger, I imagined God to be a strict and scary guy, sitting somewhere there, above, and keeping his beady eye on me. As I grow older, I notice that God has grown older together with me. And he has grown softer, kinder. I feel that I have no fear of God these days. Also my prayer has changed. When I was a girl, I simply had to kneel down and recite my prayers or God would disapprove. These days, I hardly ever do that ... now, a walk in the nature can be a prayer for me and no words are needed ..." In those words, you can feel how a person has grown into the acceptance and kindness that age can bring. Not afraid of God anymore, God has grown old with me ... I found that simply moving.

There was another room that dealt with what is a very Luxembourgian thing. Apparently, they have a cult of Virgin Mary here, a special statue that is called the Mother of God of the Afflicted that is supposed to be very helpful in case of illness or bad luck. Now that was also the reason why they had this elaborate religious procession last week. It was the culmination of a 5 week to-do, a prayerfest in honour of the same.

The statue has a cupboard full of exquisite brocade gowns (that come second only to Imelda Marcos') that are the presents from people and organisations across centuries. And 15 of those gowns were on show at the museum! With little matching outfits for Baby Jesus! Those were mindblowing! The craftsmanship!

At the end of the exhibition, the last computer station delivered its verdict.

Apparently I am
PATCHWORK RELIGIOUS !!!

Which basically means that my beliefs are made up of bits and pieces of this and that. And I'm supposed to be OK with almost everything :)))

I had a look at the statistics and over 1000 exhibition-goers had felt the same way as I did.

A funny tidbit to end this story:
seems that the majority of women believe in heaven but don't believe in hell.
And a majority of men, on the contrary, believe in hell but are a bit iffy about the existence of heaven!

Now analyse THAT !!!

Once Again, the Wheel Turns

This Monday we had to say goodbye to my dog Kuru, my love and companion for 15 years. It was all very quick and painless, without much suffering to those included. He was feeling well until the very few last days, during which his health went downhill. He was diagnosed a year ago so that gave us time to come to terms with the fact that he won't be here much longer. But those last couple of weeks his health was improving so much that we started to think that the doctors might have made a mistake in evaluating his condition. Even so much that I dared to leave him with my Auntie and take a vacation on Crete. When I came back, he was even better! His quality of life was always good: he did his daily rounds, sometimes as long as 4 km, ran around chasing she-dogs (until the very last day! that's our Kuru! :))) and had a voracious appetite. So all things considered, his leaving so quickly and suddenly was a blessing. 

The next day, Tuesday, I got an e-mail from our office inviting us all to a meeting on Wednesday to discuss *changes in the work process*. Someone from the personnel department was to be present, so everyone suspected the worst. I work for the Ministry of Justice, translating Estonian laws into English and some European laws into Estonian. But as the economic situation here is the same as all over the world, government agencies are getting nervous (well, the bosses are!) and are trying to get rid of as many people as possible so as to be able to keep their own position. Things turned out as was to be expected. We are sacked as of 1 January with 2 months' pay as compensation. But as the work still needs to be done, they are offering us a *soft landing* in the form of employment contracts for the following year. That was a surprise for me ... a pleasant one! That'll give me enough leeway to regroup and organise. 

The feeling of Providence, of the Ultimate Kindness of the Universe has been prevalent during those days. Again, I'm humbled, grateful and surprised on how mercyful Nature, God or the Self is. 

First of all, Kuru's leaving this plane of existence. The last days when things were drawing to a close, I was lifted up and carried as if I was floating 1 meter above the ground. All the worry, anguish, grief and fear that I had been battling with during the last year was gone. Instead, I felt loved and cared for, I felt that everything was all right and exactly as it is supposed to be. In fact, I remember the same feeling from the time when my parents parted from this world. 

The fact that Kuru and the Universe decided to send me on a much-needed vacation and allowed me, on returning, to find him in the best shape in months - that was a miracle and a kindness beyond words. 

I was dreading the time when Kuru would not be here any more and hoping he'd still be here in spirit, that he'd make his presence known in some manner but something else happened. Immediately after the funeral I felt an enormous, benevolent and wise Being close to me, in fact, behind my back ... and that Being was Kuru, or rather, the essence of Kuru. A being of light, love and immense wisdom and compassion ... the same Being who came to me 15 years ago in the form of a beautiful animal, to love, protect and lift up. I can feel him here as I write ... I can't see his shape but he's here, very real. 

About two years ago I took the examinations necessary to be recruited to work for the European Union in the capacity of a translator. I even went to the final interview in Brussels, was accepted and my name was added to a list of candidates. Most of my old colleagues are already working in Luxembourg and I have been made to understand that I am always welcome to join them. When I took the exams I thought ... what the hell, I can just take Kuru with me (as I always have done) and go. But going there to check it all out, I understood that it would be impossible. So I said no. After that I had 2 years of peace, quiet, very little work and very good pay from the Ministry of Justice ... bless them. That was probably the cushiest job anyone could think of. And I didn't go to the office, I stayed at home! 

It was relaxed ... but also, I often thought: what am I staying home for after Kuru's gone? I used to be quite active on the spiritual scene, seeing clients and such but as time went by, my heart wasn't in it any more. Nowadays, I have been simply living and minding my own business ... which is only natural as there is a time in life for everything. But it did leave a question of purpose for me and I was definitely going to be underoccupied. 

Now thankfully, I'm still on that list and yesterday, after the meeting, I called my dear old friend and colleague and let her know of the situation. I have already written a *letter of interest* (dictated by her :))) and wheels have been set in motion. Anyway, I had thought that even if we are not given the boot from work, I'd do it anyway. There's nothing to keep me here now. And I actually want to!

But think: the timing of it all! Kuru departs on Monday and on Wednesday my job goes. If it had happened earlier, when Kuru was still around - oh the anguish! the feeling: I can't do anything ...

All in all, during these days, I feel once again that in life, there are things and then there are Things. In the smaller things we have our say which way to go but the structure of this experience on earth is in place. By whom? Maybe by our own Selves, maybe by some benevolent Superbeing, God, the Gods ... I don't know and frankly, I don't care. I know that the Universe is ultimately kind and mercyful ... as it has again proved itself to be so. 

I know that I will have hard moments ahead of me ... even now, I can say that there's a dog-shaped hole in my life. But my heart is full of love and gratitude. I know that moving to another country will be difficult and taking account of the fact that I've always shied away from 9-5 jobs, even more so. But at this point, I can see the adventure in it, I really want to go and I fully intend to do so. My little family will be broken up as well: my Kristjan has just taken a new job as an editor in a publishing house so it won't be possible for him to join me. But my Aunt, my Auntie Tiina ... my rock and my dearest friend, Kuru's co-hostess :))) ... she could come and stay with me! As long as she likes ... I'd like her to stay for ever. And maybe Kristjan can figure out a deal with his job ... maybe? Anyway, I know it will work out for the best of us all ... it always does. 

So ... the Wheel has turned, once again. And it is good. 

How my mother and father met and got married

Shall I tell you how my mother and father met and got married? Today being Mothers' Day and all. I always thought it was funny ...

My mom was studying at Tallinn Conservatory to become a concert pianist and working as an accompanist. She wanted to become more independent, so she took a room in a private house, owned by an elderly couple with one son, approximately of the same age as my mom. 

My mom loved her studies and was practicing and working hard. But she was an good-looking and popular girl. Tall, slim, with dark hair and green eyes and with a quick wit and sharp tongue. She also had a quality of innocence about her that was very attractive to guys. At the time she was being pursued by an older man, who (o horror of horrors!) was married. He was being very persistent about it too: popping in at all hours and making a general nuisance out of himself. 

The people with whom my Mom had rented the room strongly disapproved. The young lady obviously didn't have any morals. Studying to be a musician, smoking, running around, coming home late and ... encouraging inappropriate attention of gentlemen! How fortunate that their beloved son was nothing like that!

At the same time the beloved son and the inappropriate young lady were becoming fast friends. The young man was studying to be an engineer but he, too, was a musician, and quite a good one. He played violin in a jazz band (how's that for degenerate ;) but his parents didn't see it that way). My mom used to accompany him on the piano and they had a great time making music together. He had a vast collection of gramophone records (yes, this is what they were called back then!) and they listened to those, and the radio, getting more and more snug on the couch (wink, wink). There, they discovered a very important fact: they had the exact same taste in music! And that, I might add, is a very rare thing. Especially, taking into account that my mom was a professional musician with an exacting taste and my dad (that was him, as if you already hadn't guessed) had absolute pitch. 

Then, one winter night - and what a dark and stormy night it was -  my mom's admirer showed up, pissed as a newt. He parked himself under my mom's window, singing a serenade. Then he started to nod off. My mom was watching in horror. It was 10 degrees below zero and she was sure he'd freeze to death if she didn't do anything about it. 

So she woke up my dad and together, they transported the half-conscious Romeo inside and planted him on the couch in the living room. They tucked him in and told him to be quiet and sleep. Which, he didn't do. He soon began another serenade at which point my dad's father showed up only to find a total stranger, drunk as a king, in his sitting-room.

The story goes that the unfortunate admirer had opened his eyes, looked at grandfather and said in a feeble voice: "Tell me, doctor, will I die?" which made my grandfather throw a screaming fit, promising to get a gun and shoot him there and then. Then grandmother made her entrance, wringing her hands and sobbing suitably. 

My parents - the poor lambkins - were smack in the middle of things, trying to explain, placate and avoid bloodshed. Which, they managed to do, through some miracle - my grandfather had an explosive temper (although, I suspect, he didn't have a gun:).
When all quietened down and the admirer was, once again, safely tucked in (my grandparents may have been utter muggles but they were not heartless), my parents retired in my mother's room and sat there, thinking. After a while, my dad said: "Look, this is no good. He's a bad egg and will never divorce. Why don't we get married instead? I rather think we should!" 

At which note, my mother has said yes, without thinking too much about it.
They stayed together for over 30 years, quarrelled a lot down the road but could never get rid of each other. My father died unexpectedly on his birthday of a massive coronary attack and my mother left this world a year later, almost to the day. We often spoke about their relationship (and of ours) with my mother during that final year and finally, came to this conclusion. No matter what, but there was one thing that the three of us could be absolutely certain of: everyone had really loved everyone else. Of that, there was never any doubt. That absolute certainty of someone's love is a powerful thing to have in one's life. That was also their most precious gift to me. In addition to the luck and honour of knowing them. 

And ... they were FUNNY. 

Tell me, what is it like to die?

There's one more story to tell in connection to Mothers' Day.

My father had just died suddenly of a massive coronary. My mother was heartbroken ... gutted. 

Both of them had been self-proclaimed atheists so, to my mom, there was none of the comfort available that religion can bring. I tried to feed her my own type of spirituality, my own understanding of death and dying but that didn't go down too well. Looking back, I rather understand why ...

What nonsense, she said. He didn't WANT to die! And I want him back, not some spirit to hang around the house. I want HIM. 

One afternoon when I came by, my mom met me with the strangest expression on her face. 

She said: you know, your father just showed me what it is like to die. 

She had fallen asleep on the couch and seen: it is twilight. She is sitting on the beach with my dad. The sun is setting, it is very quiet and breathtakingly beautiful. She asks him, in her mind: tell me, what is it like to die? 

A fine pearly mist begins to rise from the sea, slowly moving towards the shore. She leans against him, putting her head in his lap. A feeling of indescribably joy and serenity envelops her. 

So this is what it's like, she thinks ... and wakes up.

"So this is what it's like," she keeps repeating, over and over again, a look of incredulous wonder on her face. 

This photo reminded me of that incident. 

Angel eyes

We were in Edinburgh for 2 weeks, my co-workers and myself. We had lectures during the day and nights, we would go out. 

That night we were returning from our pub round when we saw an old man sitting in a doorway, begging. I went to him to give him something and as he was sitting down, I sort of bowed down ... he took my hand and looked at me, and then I saw his eyes. They were bright blue as the sky, they were the sky! We held hands for a long time and he blessed me. And then he said: I don't have any memory left so when you come by tomorrow, I won't remember you ... but give us a wave anyway. I won't know who you are but I will wave back! I promised to do that. 

Then a friendly policeman came, saying: Hello Charlie, I think its time for you to go home, it's getting very nippy! He helped him up and escorted him gently as he were his grandfather ... off they went into the night. I never saw him again.

Today is a special day

Mar 22, '08 2:50 PM


Today is a special day



.... because 14 years ago, a very special person entered my life.

It was Easter night, about 1 a.m. and I was sitting alone in my little apartment, watching the Easter mass from Rome. The St. Peter's Cathedral was full of people, singing: Christ has risen, Christ has risen!



Suddenly, I heard a strange sound coming from the door, a scraping accompanied by a high-pitched whine. Oh shit, I said, as a I rushed to the door. A dog! That's all I need! I opened the door, and a young husky-type creature slipped in, dashed to the kitchen and jumped on an easy chair I had there. There he sat, panting and smiling all over his face. And here he stayed ... not in the chair but in my life, for the following 14 years.



Kuru - for that's his name, Kuru - is the most compassionate, accommodating, agreeable dog that I have met. He has a wonderful quirky sense of humour. He's the friend and protector of all smaller and weaker dogs and humans. He's been the lowest maintenance dog you can imagine. He loves driving in cars, swimming and chasing after women (dogs, that is). He's my pal and I'm his.



Now that Kuru is 14, his health is not so good anymore. In fact, it's nothing to write home about. So here I am again, sitting at my computer and wondering ... for how long is he going to stay? Nobody has an answer for that but I am eternally grateful that on that day 14 years ago, Kuru found us. All that happiness and love ...



So if I may be so bold, I ask of you, all people of goodwill and compassion, to send some good vibes in the general direction of Kuru, the dog. He deserves them.

Amma, a personal experience

That was the year my mother died.




I was sitting alone, flipping through TV channels and feeling miserable.

All of a sudden, something caught my attention. It must have been Travel or a similar channel: a short, plump, very dark Indian woman was hugging someone. And what a hug that was! The sheer energy of it rendered me breathless, the embrace flowed out of the TV screen - that had suddenly become a doorway into another reality - and wafted into my living room, together with a wonderful aroma of sandalwood and roses. The room filled up with rose coloured light, and bliss. I felt as if it was I who was being embraced by that Mother ... because, I was sure, that's who she was. Mother. In that hug was the essence of my own mother, every mother that has ever lived on this Earth and loved her children, and the Universe itself, in the form of Mother Goddess. All the pain and suffering was simply knocked out of my being and for the first time in days, I felt that life, after all, has hope in it. The sun had come out.





Later, I found out that the woman was Amma, Mother Amma, Ammachi or Mata Amritanandamayi, a living saint from Kerala, India. She is also considered to be the embodiment of Mother Divine. And she was coming to Helsinki very soon! As Helsinki is very near to Tallinn - just across the Gulf of Finland, a couple of hours by boat - I simply had to go!





The darshan was to take place in a sports hall by the sea and I had to take a tram to get there. I was not exactly sure where it was so I stopped for a moment and looked around. And then I saw it. Some blocks away, to the direction of the sea, I could see a strange shimmering rose coloured cloud hanging above the houses. I later realised that it must have been energy. But it was so intense that it could be seen by the naked eye. So I had my directions!





The darshan hall was full of people but, considering how many were there, the atmosphere was surprisingly peaceful and relaxed. I looked around, and felt the same aroma of sandalwood and roses, together with a shimmering rose-coloured glow that hung in the air. Indian music was playing, people were strolling around and looking at the stalls. Everyone seemed to be in a very good mood. Sort of pleasant, not in an ecstatic, but a good-humoured way. Someone gave me a piece of paper with a number - that was for my hugging queue, for later.





Then Amma came in, followed by her entourage. She just walked through the crowd, a nod here, a short hug there, and smiles, warm smiles. The faces of people lit up but there were no overflowing outbursts of devotion. Everyone was just so happy that Mother had come. Come to think of it, it did feel like greeting Mother who had come home after a trip.





People were asked to sit down and a tall handsome Indian guy with a flowing beard and dark Jesus hair led the meditation. His voice was sonorous and sweet ... incredible! I still remember that meditation and the bliss that it brought: it was like sinking into a warm water bed and floating, floating, floating off to divine sleep.





Then the hugging began. Amma was sitting on a chair that was up on a dais. People were queuing and in a short while, you reached the dais. And there she was: in a white cotton sari, a short dumpy woman, about 50 or so, with the kindest roundest most kissable face you can imagine. Dark eyes flashing with fun and love, and compassion beyond human comprehension. And she smelled of sandalwood and roses!







The hug itself ... that was no dainty affair. It was strong, determined and energetic! Two sonorous *mwahhh's* were planted on my cheeks, and she whispered something in my ear, which, I later realised was her mantra: Ma, Ma, Ma! She pressed some sweets into my hand and that was it. But I assure you ... it was enough to last for a lifetime.







All those who had been hugged were allowed to remain sitting in the darshan area and compose themselves. So I had the chance to witness the process for quite a while. She was exactly the same for everyone, not a moment of decreased concentration, she just kept on giving, giving and giving. It was like a huge prayer wheel in motion! And it went on for hours and hours ... she never stops until the very last person who wants to be hugged, has been hugged. Never mind if it takes all night!







Afterwards, as I was strolling about and looking at the stalls, still blown away by the hug, I saw that they were selling items that had been blessed by Amma. No way, I thought, I'll be able to afford any of those. And as I though that, I saw a small hand mala of tiny Rudraksha beads. I wanted it but was sure that must be the most expensive item yet! Just in case, I asked about the price and ... it was cheap!





So, not believing my luck, I got the chain, and as I was handing over the money, I saw that something reddish had stained my palm. I tried to rub it off but couldn't. It looked like I had accidentally put my hand into some blackberry jam and it had flown into the lines of my hand. I tried to lick it off ... still no effect. Then I realised. It was not *on* my hand ... it was *in* it. The life line of my right hand and the line next to it had turned dark purple. Just the lines, nothing else.





So, I gathered, Amma had changed something in my future that day: and for the best, of that I'm sure. If nothing else, after that hug, my sorrow for my own mother's passing had been healed and transformed into something else.



A direct experience of the Universe in its Mother mode. Mother ... is all around.

PS: There was a concert afterwards, where Amma sang long into the night together with her band. What's her voice like? Bonnie Tyler with an extra twist. Definitely very musical, huge voice but with a lusty, raspy overtone. She sounds full of life, passionate, drunken with love for ... everything, every person, and above all - YOU!

My father, the house

I thought this was rather funny and cute. My father used to be one of the first IT people in Estonia so, it seems, they have built a new information technology and research *city*, which they also call the Estonian Silicon Valley, and they are naming buildings after people There are 4 big houses and one of them is called after my dad! My dad is a house !!! It's called the Agur building :))))

That led me to thinking ... wouldn't it be nice it every house would be named after somebody? And every man and woman would have a building with a small plaque with the person's name and short life story on it. There are lots of buildings, structures, huts to go around, everyone could have his or her own! I rather fancy a nice little powerhouse around the corner :)))



I mean, every person is worth a song, every life is important ...



This is what they say on the webpage (http://www.ulemistecity.ee)



Estonian Innovators



Ülemiste City respects the memory of innovative people from Estonia. Therefore, to perpetuate and show our respect to the people who have accomplished great goals, all the houses built in the Ülemiste City innovation district are named after world-famous innovators coming from or involved with Estonia.



Ustus Agur (1929-1997) - Estonian information society pathfinder



Ustus Agur, the "Grand Old Man" of Estonian computers and information, managed over the course of 50 years to work as a computer engineering teacher, researcher, terminology developer, Estonian information system creator and publish more than five hundred publications. A great many of his endeavours were the first of their kind and ground breaking.



Ustus Agur was already interested by electron computers in the 1950s, also being the author of the first Estonian language publication on electron computers. In 1967 Ustus Agur founded the TTÜ computer department (pretty much at the same time that computer science began in England, Germany and elsewhere in Europe). As a professor in the Information Technology Department, and its chair from 1966-1976, Ustus Agur has given many lectures on the different domains: general electro technology, electric drive theory, the bases of informatics, data processing means, and data communication and computer networks. He published dozens of articles every year in different fields - on educational institutions of higher learning, programming, literature, the relationship between art and cybernetics, the effectiveness and quality of information work. In addition to this, he developed numerous specialty text books. The popular scientific book "People and automats" was directed towards a broad group of readers.



A new stage in Agur's life was the years spent working in the Estonian Information Institute, which was the developer of Estonia's science and technology information systems. Under the instruction of Agur, the institute developed the principles and concept behind the Independent Scientific and Technology Information System (VATTIS).



Under the leadership of Ustus Agur, annual independent conferences and consultations were held, which mirrored the development problems of the dissemination of information and information systems. In 1988, under the leadership of the scientist, the concept of Estonia's informationalization concept was completed, which became a participant in high recognition.



The scientist also played an important part in the arrangement of Estonia's informatic life. His activities are related to the formation of Estonia's Informatics Supervisory Board and the Informatics fund, where Agur worked as director in his final years.



Ustus Agur's versatile and novel activities remain as a valuable spiritual inheritance for Estonia. As a researcher and populariser of science, creator of terminology and compiler of vocabulary, first computer and information newspaper publisher and translator, Ustus Agur has left an indelible mark on our national culture.



Materials used:



http://www.tlu.ee/~i-foorum/agur.htm

http://www.itcollege.ee/kolledz/uudis.php?id=516