Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
Really?
Really? Could it be?
These days, I have been walking around (and sitting down) as if divided in two. One part of me is feeling at peace, comforted by the presence of my guest. The other half is in panic and sadness, calming down for a moment and then letting it rip again. Nothing much I have been able to do about it, except realise that it is an absolutely subjective matter, entirely dependant on my point of view.
The topic is, as before, the fact that I don't like my system breaking down. I don't like anyone's systems breaking down, for that matter! Dammit!
The obvious reaction to my worry would be: Hello, DUH! as our American friends so quaintly put it. Duh, indeed. What a surprise, people do get old. I feel like the proverbial little chicken, running around in circles and screaming: The sky is falling! The sky is falling down! while the rest of the population potters happily about, remaining oblivious to the impending disaster. Young people, old people, not bothered at all by the reality of life that we all must become old and frail and suffer.
In my desperation, I sent a mental note to God yesterday night, which said: Please, God, help me, send me some courage! I really need it!
And what do you think happened this morning?
Suddenly I experienced a shift in consciousness. It happened mid-stride, just as I was going to the cafeteria to get something to eat. It was as if a switch would have turned in another position. And suddenly I felt, what I had known before of a conscious level: EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT. No matter the state of health, no matter the pain, no matter the discomfort, it is all right. The state of mind can be, and is, at peace and not touched by the physical discomfort.
Also, the panicky feeling of having done everything wrong in my life and now failing to put it right: the impulse to run somewhere, do something useful, while I still can, to escape! that I had felt the entire weekend, subsided as well. It is simply not here any more, and I saw the futility of this thinking. As if from the side...
Now this is very interesting to see where it will go. I have had my share of illuminations which have lasted for longer or shorter periods, but the situation has never been serious before. And here, now, it IS serious, after a fashion. On how I learn to manage now, depends the quality of my living for the rest of my life. If I give in to panic and desperation because of the awful instability of the biological system, I will have some crappy years to look forward to.
On the other hand, if, with God's help, I should be able to develop a different frame of mind, and a more philosophical outlook, then it won't be so bad. It may even be quite good. The change has to rise from the very roots of my being, and the roots are where the change has to begin.
At this moment it feels as if it happened. I'm not sure if it's really so or if my mind just got so tired of this panicking that it has simply switched off, leaving *me* alone. It remains to be seen!
These days, I have been walking around (and sitting down) as if divided in two. One part of me is feeling at peace, comforted by the presence of my guest. The other half is in panic and sadness, calming down for a moment and then letting it rip again. Nothing much I have been able to do about it, except realise that it is an absolutely subjective matter, entirely dependant on my point of view.
The topic is, as before, the fact that I don't like my system breaking down. I don't like anyone's systems breaking down, for that matter! Dammit!
The obvious reaction to my worry would be: Hello, DUH! as our American friends so quaintly put it. Duh, indeed. What a surprise, people do get old. I feel like the proverbial little chicken, running around in circles and screaming: The sky is falling! The sky is falling down! while the rest of the population potters happily about, remaining oblivious to the impending disaster. Young people, old people, not bothered at all by the reality of life that we all must become old and frail and suffer.
In my desperation, I sent a mental note to God yesterday night, which said: Please, God, help me, send me some courage! I really need it!
And what do you think happened this morning?
Suddenly I experienced a shift in consciousness. It happened mid-stride, just as I was going to the cafeteria to get something to eat. It was as if a switch would have turned in another position. And suddenly I felt, what I had known before of a conscious level: EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT. No matter the state of health, no matter the pain, no matter the discomfort, it is all right. The state of mind can be, and is, at peace and not touched by the physical discomfort.
Also, the panicky feeling of having done everything wrong in my life and now failing to put it right: the impulse to run somewhere, do something useful, while I still can, to escape! that I had felt the entire weekend, subsided as well. It is simply not here any more, and I saw the futility of this thinking. As if from the side...
Now this is very interesting to see where it will go. I have had my share of illuminations which have lasted for longer or shorter periods, but the situation has never been serious before. And here, now, it IS serious, after a fashion. On how I learn to manage now, depends the quality of my living for the rest of my life. If I give in to panic and desperation because of the awful instability of the biological system, I will have some crappy years to look forward to.
On the other hand, if, with God's help, I should be able to develop a different frame of mind, and a more philosophical outlook, then it won't be so bad. It may even be quite good. The change has to rise from the very roots of my being, and the roots are where the change has to begin.
At this moment it feels as if it happened. I'm not sure if it's really so or if my mind just got so tired of this panicking that it has simply switched off, leaving *me* alone. It remains to be seen!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Visiting
Tilly had some bad news to tell me. She has had some trouble with her health lately and she had been worried about renewing her driver's licence. With her 86 years, the car is the most important thing for her.
At her age, they have to apply for the extension of the licence every year, and in preparation for that, Tilly had taken a few driving lessons. It didn't go so well and yesterday, the instructor had said that in his opinion, she shouldn't be driving. He had said that her driving had gone so much worse since then, her reactions even more slow that it would be dangerous for her to drive. She is one of the bravest persons I have known but this ... she was devastated. Shaken. Frankly, gutted.
She will, of course, make do, as usual. But still, I felt so sorry that I would have wanted to weep. Which I didn't do, as it wouldn't help.
We went to eat in Juegdschlass together, taking the dog with us. K hadn't been and as this is my favourite place and typically Letzebuergish, it was a good idea. Tilly and K got on fabulously, as well as K and Lola, the dog. We had a good meal, and the dog got all the cookies she could eat.
Later, we were sitting at Tilly's place and had some of her 50 year old moonshine. K got quite happy ... in addition to its old age, this liquor is very potent. (I just heard some suspicious noise, and yes, he's snoozing in the easy chair).
So all in all, it was a lovely day ... if it were not for Tilly's news. Dammit, this is not fair!
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Cake
Carrot and rice cake with dried apricots
This is my own invention. You need some boiled rice, maybe two cups. You have to understand, I don't use measurements. It depends on how much I have. OK. Rice. Then some grated carrot, maybe one cup. Stew it a bit. Then fromage blanc, which is called kohupiim in Estonia and is a staple. About 4 eggs, if big. 5 if not. Sugar, lots of it. The dough has to be really sweet because the rice will suck it all up. Then we need semolina, less than half a cup and flour. More than half a cup. Half a teaspoon of soda and some salt. Several good squirts of lemon juice. Dried apricots, cut into small pieces. Mix well, it has to have the thickness of thick pancake dough. Coat an oven pan with oil, lots of it, and pour the dough in. The oven has to be at 180 degrees. About an hour will do it, or maybe a little more. It has to be nice and golden and springy to the touch, soft but springy!
This ended a pleasant day, when we were visiting war graves. And the "Garden of Memories". Heh. He freaked out but not too much.
Cooked some dinner, well basically just bangers. And the cake of which only half remains. And beer. We are out now. Quoting Onslow: I am sitting here completely surrounded by no beer.
It has been a comforting and comfortable two days. 
Company
Anyhow, here he is, snoring in the other room and I feel peaceful for the first time since weeks. Apparently, I have been under so much stress that I hadn't realised it.
We went out for lunch at the Paraiser Plaz and later just stayed home, talking, but not even much. It was just as it was before. Myself on the sofa, him in the easy chair, drinking beer out of one can. I, snoozing a lot and him, trying to get some work done online.
It's such a good feeling to have a living soul here. I am able to be on my own but I feel safe when he's there, just sleeping and not doing much anything!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
For a while
For a little while there will be company and I can feel a bit less alone. I mean, I usually don't feel alone, only lately it has been a constant. My boyfriend decided to come here after all for a week, starting tomorrow.
He hasn't been to my new flat yet, he only helped me move last year. As said, I'm mostly relieved that he'll come. All my friends are either away on vacation or just leaving.
I had a small crisis Monday to Tuesday, when my leg was hurting so bad I couldn't keep still. I finally caved Tuesday afternoon and escaped to my GP. He gave me a shot that both of my dogs had had at some point, so I knew it could raise the dead. Which it did, for a day and a half. Only these things have side effects and this particular medicine made my kidneys almost stop.
So today I have been trying to get them going again, not taking any meds, drinking pineapple juice. it's normalizing little by little ... and the pain is also coming back.
If for nothing else, this is one good reason to have a new hip now and not suffer any longer. I'm so full of all kinds of medication that eventually, it must start to feel in some place.
Went to see JM on Tuesday, right after the Doc, so that was nice. They ALL are so terribly nice and supportive and ... worried. Which is sweet but I'd still rather not have this bad leg! How come that Letzebuerg has the sweetest guys? Only problem, they are either gay or married or a priest!
I had made a cake for JM's brotherhood: rice with apricots and carrots. It was really good, even if I say so myself. Got an e-mail this morning, with rave reviews.
Had lunch with Pat today, laughed a lot. Her friend is a grandmother as of yesterday morning, for the third time. And then there will be Pat's 50th birthday party to look forward to. And that will be it because after that I'll be at the hospital and life, as I know it, will change.
For me, the most incredible thing is, that I will go there on my own two feet, then be put to sleep and when I wake up, I will be as if I had been in a car crash! And I'm doing it all at my own free will!
I hadn't conceived it possible that such a thing could happen. Even when things were getting bad, I still didn't believe that it would come to that. And now it has!
I'm trying to psych myself into faking it until I make it. It is simply something that has to be done. And I'd bloody well muster some courage because I'll be needing it!
At least I found out that I actually like the electronic cigarette. That means that I can smoke in the hospital bed and nobody can tell me otherwise!
As said, K. will come tomorrow. We'll have lunch at the Juegdschlass with Tilly on Sunday.
And then go and visit the military cemeteries: both American and German.
I wonder if I should take him to Hamm, the Garden of Memories where my ashes will, one day (hopefully not too soon) be scattered on the Letzebuerg soil among other good Letzebuergers. That's the Ultimate Integration for you! I'm sure I'll freak him out :) It's morbid but strangely consoling!
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I wonder
I wonder if I should write this down for myself?
Suddenly, or not so suddenly I see my fellow travellers in a different manner. Well, as of late I have been bothered, beyond reason, by the strange notions that people have, by their beliefs and convictions. It seems that, based an Estonian facebook group, the Museum of Nostalgy, a half of the people yearn for the Soviet times and think that everything is so much worse today, and Estonia has been sold into slavery in the EU. Another half, to my great dismay, holds Nazi paraphenalia (and not only that!) dear to their hearts. They too, think that everything is going down the drain and life these days sucks. They both hate and would do away with the following (short list): Africans (an average Estonian insists on his right to call them *negros*), gay people (*homos*, everyone in Estonia hates them). There are many more but I just won't bother.
Then, I have internet acquaintances among both the Conservatives and the Liberals. The Occupy movement. Muslims. Buddhists. I have to say, I don't particularly like any of their beliefs which they freely and aggressive share. For a while I let go of the most militant contacts and now ... I know some of these people for such a long time, I LIKE them although I might not care for their beliefs.
The same stands true of everyday life. I have known the people here for a sufficient period now to know what I don't like about them. Be it their habit of one-upmanship, be it their negativity, egocentrism ... but still, I like most of what I see.
It has been going in this direction for some time and here we are. Today in the morning I saw the truth of it: everyone is just trying to console himself: be it by idealising the past, our native land, our new country (myself), by different beliefs. Everyone is in the big illusion, trying to keep up his own illusion, an to somehow DEAL. I wanted to say, deal with with reality, but ... that IS the reality!
Everything's an illusion, except maybe for the trees and stars and such. They are here, no matter what our opinion of them is.
My conundrum at this point is not liking the course of life. I don't like seeing my body break down and knowing that from here, it can only get worse. As Richard would say: pieces of me will fall off! Nobody likes that!
My pillar of strength, Tilly, was near panic the other day when she realised that she may not get her driving licence this time. 86 years old and the car, for her, is freedom. The freedom to stay in her own home, with her dog and occasional friends. At that moment I realised that as long as it isn't about us, we may be logical and brave. But in the face of decay everyone falters. Death isn't the point, the immense frailty of this biological machine is.
And that's the reality. We must move on, in order to make room for other people to come.
What then is the point of it all? Catch the brief moment of beauty, maybe make a difference, LOVE people ... oh this is the main hurt. That all those sparks of light must fade. That such individuals as ... I'm not saying who, must fade away.
Well, what follows, where are the ways to deal with it, shall remain for our next session.
Suddenly, or not so suddenly I see my fellow travellers in a different manner. Well, as of late I have been bothered, beyond reason, by the strange notions that people have, by their beliefs and convictions. It seems that, based an Estonian facebook group, the Museum of Nostalgy, a half of the people yearn for the Soviet times and think that everything is so much worse today, and Estonia has been sold into slavery in the EU. Another half, to my great dismay, holds Nazi paraphenalia (and not only that!) dear to their hearts. They too, think that everything is going down the drain and life these days sucks. They both hate and would do away with the following (short list): Africans (an average Estonian insists on his right to call them *negros*), gay people (*homos*, everyone in Estonia hates them). There are many more but I just won't bother.
Then, I have internet acquaintances among both the Conservatives and the Liberals. The Occupy movement. Muslims. Buddhists. I have to say, I don't particularly like any of their beliefs which they freely and aggressive share. For a while I let go of the most militant contacts and now ... I know some of these people for such a long time, I LIKE them although I might not care for their beliefs.
The same stands true of everyday life. I have known the people here for a sufficient period now to know what I don't like about them. Be it their habit of one-upmanship, be it their negativity, egocentrism ... but still, I like most of what I see.
It has been going in this direction for some time and here we are. Today in the morning I saw the truth of it: everyone is just trying to console himself: be it by idealising the past, our native land, our new country (myself), by different beliefs. Everyone is in the big illusion, trying to keep up his own illusion, an to somehow DEAL. I wanted to say, deal with with reality, but ... that IS the reality!
Everything's an illusion, except maybe for the trees and stars and such. They are here, no matter what our opinion of them is.
My conundrum at this point is not liking the course of life. I don't like seeing my body break down and knowing that from here, it can only get worse. As Richard would say: pieces of me will fall off! Nobody likes that!
My pillar of strength, Tilly, was near panic the other day when she realised that she may not get her driving licence this time. 86 years old and the car, for her, is freedom. The freedom to stay in her own home, with her dog and occasional friends. At that moment I realised that as long as it isn't about us, we may be logical and brave. But in the face of decay everyone falters. Death isn't the point, the immense frailty of this biological machine is.
And that's the reality. We must move on, in order to make room for other people to come.
What then is the point of it all? Catch the brief moment of beauty, maybe make a difference, LOVE people ... oh this is the main hurt. That all those sparks of light must fade. That such individuals as ... I'm not saying who, must fade away.
Well, what follows, where are the ways to deal with it, shall remain for our next session.
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