Really?

Really? Could it be?

These days, I have been walking around (and sitting down) as if divided in two. One part of me is feeling at peace, comforted by the presence of my guest. The other half is in panic and sadness, calming down for a moment and then letting it rip again. Nothing much I have been able to do about it, except realise that it is an absolutely subjective matter, entirely dependant on my point of view.

The topic is, as before, the fact that I don't like my system breaking down. I don't like anyone's systems breaking down, for that matter! Dammit!

The obvious reaction to my worry would be: Hello, DUH! as our American friends so quaintly put it. Duh, indeed. What a surprise, people do get old. I feel like the proverbial little chicken, running around in circles and screaming: The sky is falling! The sky is falling down! while the rest of the population potters happily about, remaining oblivious to the impending disaster. Young people, old people, not bothered at all by the reality of life that we all must become old and frail and suffer.

In my desperation, I sent a mental note to God yesterday night, which said: Please, God, help me, send me some courage! I really need it!

And what do you think happened this morning?

Suddenly I experienced a shift in consciousness. It happened mid-stride, just as I was going to the cafeteria to get something to eat. It was as if a switch would have turned in another position. And suddenly I felt, what I had known before of a conscious level: EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT. No matter the state of health, no matter the pain, no matter the discomfort, it is all right. The state of mind can be, and is, at peace and not touched by the physical discomfort.

Also, the panicky feeling of having done everything wrong in my life and now failing to put it right: the impulse to run somewhere, do something useful, while I still can, to escape! that I had felt the entire weekend, subsided as well. It is simply not here any more, and I saw the futility of this thinking. As if from the side...

Now this is very interesting to see where it will go. I have had my share of illuminations which have lasted for longer or shorter periods, but the situation has never been serious before. And here, now, it IS serious, after a fashion. On how I learn to manage now, depends the quality of my living for the rest of my life. If I give in to panic and desperation because of the awful instability of the biological system, I will have some crappy years to look forward to.

On the other hand, if, with God's help, I should be able to develop a different frame of mind, and a more philosophical outlook, then it won't be so bad. It may even be quite good. The change has to rise from the very roots of my being, and the roots are where the change has to begin.

At this moment it feels as if it happened. I'm not sure if it's really so or if my mind just got so tired of this panicking that it has simply switched off, leaving *me* alone. It remains to be seen!