I wonder

I wonder if I should write this down for myself?

Suddenly, or not so suddenly I see my fellow travellers in a different manner. Well, as of late I have been bothered, beyond reason, by the strange notions that people have, by their beliefs and convictions. It seems that, based an Estonian facebook group, the Museum of Nostalgy, a half of the people yearn for the Soviet times and think that everything is so much worse today, and Estonia has been sold into slavery in the EU. Another half, to my great dismay, holds Nazi paraphenalia (and not only that!) dear to their hearts. They too, think that everything is going down the drain and life these days sucks. They both hate and would do away with the following (short list): Africans (an average Estonian insists on his right to call them *negros*), gay people (*homos*, everyone in Estonia hates them). There are many more but I just won't bother.

Then, I have internet acquaintances among both the Conservatives and the Liberals. The Occupy movement. Muslims. Buddhists. I have to say, I don't particularly like any of their beliefs which they freely and aggressive share. For a while I let go of the most militant contacts and now ... I know some of these people for such a long time, I LIKE them although I might not care for their beliefs.

The same stands true of everyday life. I have known the people here for a sufficient period now to know what I don't like about them. Be it their habit of one-upmanship, be it their negativity, egocentrism ... but still, I like most of what I see.

It has been going in this direction for some time and here we are. Today in the morning I saw the truth of it: everyone is just trying to console himself: be it by idealising the past, our native land, our new country (myself), by different beliefs. Everyone is in the big illusion, trying to keep up his own illusion, an to somehow DEAL. I wanted to say, deal with with reality, but ... that IS the reality!

Everything's an illusion, except maybe for the trees and stars and such. They are here, no matter what our opinion of them is.

My conundrum at this point is not liking the course of life. I don't like seeing my body break down and knowing that from here, it can only get worse. As Richard would say: pieces of me will fall off! Nobody likes that!

My pillar of strength, Tilly, was near panic the other day when she realised that she may not get her driving licence this time. 86 years old and the car, for her, is freedom. The freedom to stay in her own home, with her dog and occasional friends. At that moment I realised that as long as it isn't about us, we may be logical and brave. But in the face of decay everyone falters. Death isn't the point, the immense frailty of this biological machine is.

And that's the reality. We must move on, in order to make room for other people to come.

What then is the point of it all? Catch the brief moment of beauty, maybe make a difference, LOVE people ... oh this is the main hurt. That all those sparks of light must fade. That such individuals as ... I'm not saying who, must fade away.

Well, what follows, where are the ways to deal with it, shall remain for our next session.