This Monday we had to say goodbye to my dog Kuru, my love and companion for 15 years. It was all very quick and painless, without much suffering to those included. He was feeling well until the very few last days, during which his health went downhill. He was diagnosed a year ago so that gave us time to come to terms with the fact that he won't be here much longer. But those last couple of weeks his health was improving so much that we started to think that the doctors might have made a mistake in evaluating his condition. Even so much that I dared to leave him with my Auntie and take a vacation on Crete. When I came back, he was even better! His quality of life was always good: he did his daily rounds, sometimes as long as 4 km, ran around chasing she-dogs (until the very last day! that's our Kuru! :))) and had a voracious appetite. So all things considered, his leaving so quickly and suddenly was a blessing.
The next day, Tuesday, I got an e-mail from our office inviting us all to a meeting on Wednesday to discuss *changes in the work process*. Someone from the personnel department was to be present, so everyone suspected the worst. I work for the Ministry of Justice, translating Estonian laws into English and some European laws into Estonian. But as the economic situation here is the same as all over the world, government agencies are getting nervous (well, the bosses are!) and are trying to get rid of as many people as possible so as to be able to keep their own position. Things turned out as was to be expected. We are sacked as of 1 January with 2 months' pay as compensation. But as the work still needs to be done, they are offering us a *soft landing* in the form of employment contracts for the following year. That was a surprise for me ... a pleasant one! That'll give me enough leeway to regroup and organise.
The feeling of Providence, of the Ultimate Kindness of the Universe has been prevalent during those days. Again, I'm humbled, grateful and surprised on how mercyful Nature, God or the Self is.
First of all, Kuru's leaving this plane of existence. The last days when things were drawing to a close, I was lifted up and carried as if I was floating 1 meter above the ground. All the worry, anguish, grief and fear that I had been battling with during the last year was gone. Instead, I felt loved and cared for, I felt that everything was all right and exactly as it is supposed to be. In fact, I remember the same feeling from the time when my parents parted from this world.
The fact that Kuru and the Universe decided to send me on a much-needed vacation and allowed me, on returning, to find him in the best shape in months - that was a miracle and a kindness beyond words.
I was dreading the time when Kuru would not be here any more and hoping he'd still be here in spirit, that he'd make his presence known in some manner but something else happened. Immediately after the funeral I felt an enormous, benevolent and wise Being close to me, in fact, behind my back ... and that Being was Kuru, or rather, the essence of Kuru. A being of light, love and immense wisdom and compassion ... the same Being who came to me 15 years ago in the form of a beautiful animal, to love, protect and lift up. I can feel him here as I write ... I can't see his shape but he's here, very real.
About two years ago I took the examinations necessary to be recruited to work for the European Union in the capacity of a translator. I even went to the final interview in Brussels, was accepted and my name was added to a list of candidates. Most of my old colleagues are already working in Luxembourg and I have been made to understand that I am always welcome to join them. When I took the exams I thought ... what the hell, I can just take Kuru with me (as I always have done) and go. But going there to check it all out, I understood that it would be impossible. So I said no. After that I had 2 years of peace, quiet, very little work and very good pay from the Ministry of Justice ... bless them. That was probably the cushiest job anyone could think of. And I didn't go to the office, I stayed at home!
It was relaxed ... but also, I often thought: what am I staying home for after Kuru's gone? I used to be quite active on the spiritual scene, seeing clients and such but as time went by, my heart wasn't in it any more. Nowadays, I have been simply living and minding my own business ... which is only natural as there is a time in life for everything. But it did leave a question of purpose for me and I was definitely going to be underoccupied.
Now thankfully, I'm still on that list and yesterday, after the meeting, I called my dear old friend and colleague and let her know of the situation. I have already written a *letter of interest* (dictated by her :))) and wheels have been set in motion. Anyway, I had thought that even if we are not given the boot from work, I'd do it anyway. There's nothing to keep me here now. And I actually want to!
But think: the timing of it all! Kuru departs on Monday and on Wednesday my job goes. If it had happened earlier, when Kuru was still around - oh the anguish! the feeling: I can't do anything ...
All in all, during these days, I feel once again that in life, there are things and then there are Things. In the smaller things we have our say which way to go but the structure of this experience on earth is in place. By whom? Maybe by our own Selves, maybe by some benevolent Superbeing, God, the Gods ... I don't know and frankly, I don't care. I know that the Universe is ultimately kind and mercyful ... as it has again proved itself to be so.
I know that I will have hard moments ahead of me ... even now, I can say that there's a dog-shaped hole in my life. But my heart is full of love and gratitude. I know that moving to another country will be difficult and taking account of the fact that I've always shied away from 9-5 jobs, even more so. But at this point, I can see the adventure in it, I really want to go and I fully intend to do so. My little family will be broken up as well: my Kristjan has just taken a new job as an editor in a publishing house so it won't be possible for him to join me. But my Aunt, my Auntie Tiina ... my rock and my dearest friend, Kuru's co-hostess :))) ... she could come and stay with me! As long as she likes ... I'd like her to stay for ever. And maybe Kristjan can figure out a deal with his job ... maybe? Anyway, I know it will work out for the best of us all ... it always does.
So ... the Wheel has turned, once again. And it is good.
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