Reminiscenses of a third generation agnostic

My grandmother went to a girls' college during the early years of the 20th century. At that time, they had mandatory Bible study classes which were taught by the local minister. In Granny's home town, the minister was famous for his liking for young girls and good food. At the same time, he tried to give the impression of a very pious and spiritual man ... and never succeeded. The girls were playng practical jokes on him all the time. I remember Gran told me that knowing him, it was not possible to take anything he said seriously. And anyway, to her, Christianity had never been a viable theory.

When Gran was already an old woman my aunt had once gone to a funeral, a Christian one. Afterwards, she had asked my grandmother if, perhaps, she would want a Christian funeral too, as it had been so solemn and comforting. My Granny answered that she understood that indeed, it may be so to the mourners but she, never having anything to do with the church, did not consider it to be appropriate ... nor would she want it.

My great-grandmother was a deeply religious woman and when my mother was growing up, she had told her not to behave badly because God was watching and would be disappointed in her. And that's all the religious indoctrination my mother ever got. But curiously enough, it seemed to work because she said that every time she considered misbehaving, she could just see God looking at her in a mildly disaprroving manner.

Now when I myself was a child, my mother modified this teaching a bit and it became a thing called: Punished by Fate. Every time I had been bad (which I was more often than not!) and stubbed my toe or tripped and fell, my Mom would cry out with some considerable glee: Aha! Punished by Fate! That made me mad as hell ... I remember fuming at this person Fate because I was not sure who it was! But I hated him!

My first memories of Christianity are from my first year in school. There was a boy in our class whose parents were Christians, very strict Pentecostalists. We were discussing it among ourselves asking, what does it mean? Nobody knew, exactly, until one of the kids said: My daddy said that when somebody dies, religious people are not sad but happy! At which point we decided that Christianity was indeed a very creepy thing. After that, everybody just felt sorry for our classmate and were always very mindful of what we said around him.

My own dad had a better explanation about religion which went something like this: you know how you are told not to lie or be mean because it is an ugly thing to do? Well, Christians can do all those things because afterwards they can always go to church, confess, be forgiven and start all over again! Well, I certainly didn't want to be like that!

When I was about 12, one of my Mother's friends, Auntie Hilja, fell ill with cancer. Those days, the patient was never told that he had a terminal disease and cancer was not mentioned. My mother often went to visit her friend in the hospital. One day she came back totally beside herself. What had happened was that one of her friends' former students (they both were music teachers) had come to visit her bearing a bible and a white flower. She had then proceeded to explain that as Hilja was dying, now would be her last chance to convert and repent her sins. My mother's friend had a total shock: she had believed that she was getting treatment and was going to be well soon. My mother had found her totally gutted and sobbing incontrollably ... I remember my mother sitting at the kitchen table and saying over and over again: I just don't get it, how can someone be so thoughtless and cruel!

Mother and Father both were self-declared atheists, and I guess the term is not incorrect as they both scoffed at the idea of a God, as Father, meting out punishment and sending people, like little children, to heaven or hell.

At the same time, my mother was one of the strongest psychics I have met ... her diagnosticians' skills were widely known and people often called our place to ask for her help. She was rarely wrong and we joked that if we, between ourselves, could not diagnose a disease then neither could a doctor. Actually, it was the other way round: people called her when doctors could not find the cause. My mother would mull it over and then in a flash, it would come to her. She would check some medical books and call back. However, she never passed it for more than an opinion and stressed that the person should ask for more tests.

Father, on the other hand, had a strange knack of sensing larger currents in science. Something would catch his interest, he would immerse himself in it and make it his new profession, and suddenly it would become the latest trend. He changed careers like that for three times in his life: from electrical engineer to computer scientist to information technology. I often wonder what he would be interested in these days ...

I was an odd child. Living in a fantasy world nobody but myself could see. Invisible friends, the whole lot. Empathic to the point of sillyness. Mostly happy because I was left alone for the most of the time to do as I pleased.

I was 12 when I decided to become a Christian. My parents were beside themselves with worry: the child has definitely a screw loose! But I marched into a church, wearing ragged jeans and a flower behind my ear, and demanded to be baptised. Well, Christianity

lasted for about a month for me. I started to read the Bible (which, of course, I had not thought of doing before my conversion and baptism!) and found it to be, well, not such a good idea.

I think I was 14 when I read Dao de jing. Didn't understand it but still somehow, it made perfect sense to me.

Later, in school: flirting with Buddhism but could not (still can't) get past the Life is Suffering part.

Then in my twenties, Transcendental Meditation, I really went INTO the system (oh the disappointment! found out a spititual organisation is but another organisation!) and came out with a plop after three years! Still, the meditation was great. Bliss, ya know.

After that, read and translated the Seth material and introduced myself to channelling (occasionally still do it, basically its just letting yourself go and sometimes some good text may come).

The next big thing was Chinese Traditional Medicine (another group! Woe me! Thought I could take the medicine part and ignore the cult ... but no, not possible). Got a good education in acupuncture though. After that I patched myself up with Shamanic practices, studied in England and carefully dodged another group.

I find that the older I get, the more agnostic I become ... acknowledging that indeed, bleep, what do we really know? And that's fine by me. After all, I believe in the ultimate kindness of the Universe!

As for scifi, my father was the greatest fan and introduced me to it. And still, I cannot say that there has been anything that has influenced my thinking as much as it has.

We are the Universe, getting to know itself - that basically sums it up, doesn't it?